As we get ready to kick off the 2025 season, all 32 teams are hoping for a fairy tale ending. But unfortunately, most of them will end in disappointment or even… horror. As a big NFL and horror movie fan, I decided to try to match teams with the horror movie that best describes them. Hopefully you find out a little bit about your teams outlook or at the very least find a great new movie you can watch instead of looking at the horror of your teams 2025 season.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Happy Death Day
For the Steelers, it certainly feels like the last couple of years have just been the same day over and over again. They seemed cursed never to get the playoff win they’re seeking. Aaron Rodgers also seems to be replaying the same thing again, trying to come in and save a team that is all in and “just a QB away.” Aaron Rodgers is also a big whiny baby, just like the villain of the movie. Who knows if Rodgers and the Steelers will break the curse and contend this year, or if they will have yet another Happy Death Day in 2025.
Cleveland Browns: Split
The Browns’ QB Room is packed with way too many people, just like James McAvoy’s head. You’ve got the annoying little kid (Dillon Gabriel), the way too cool fashionista (Shedeur Sanders), and the old fastidious lady coordinating the whole affair (Joe Flacco). There’s even a sociopathic personality who’s creepy towards women lurking in the background. Hopefully, one of these QB’s can unleash the Beast and play some great football in 2025.
Saints: Old
Pretty self-explanatory.
Dolphins: Misery
Just like the main character of Misery, the Dolphins are trapped due to injury. The team doesn’t function without Tua, and his injury history is as scary as any Stephen King book. They may not have a sadistic old lady that’s shattering Tua’s legs, but the specter of injury hangs over their head. This season could easily be a car crash, and the Dolphins could be stuck in bed come playoff time if Tua can’t stay healthy.
New England Patriots: Bring her Back
Just like trying to bring your dead daughter back to life, the Patriots are trying to resurrect their glory days by bringing back their old coaches. Mike Vrabel and Josh McDaniels have had a lot of success in New England, and Vrabel at least has had success elsewhere. It’ll be interesting to see whether re-living their glory days will be the best path to help Drake Maye be successful. Spoiler Alert: it didn’t work out too well in this movie!
Dallas Cowboys: Final Destination
Just like Death’s design, the Dallas Cowboys are a disaster we can all see coming. They will fool us and look great in the regular season, maybe even reproduce their 12 win season. But when it comes to the games that matter the most, we all know Dak Prescott will be crushed by a falling log or roasted by a tanning bed or some such nonsense. Let’s be honest, no one expects the Cowboys to break the mold and make a deep playoff run. You can’t avoid Death’s design, and the Cowboys can’t avoid disappointing their fans once again.
Kansas City Chiefs: Friday the 13th
Oh, did you think Jason Voorhees was dead? Nope, he’ll be back and we’ll be treated to yet another edition of him killing all our favorite teams. The death of the Chiefs Dynasty has been greatly exaggerated. The Chiefs had a cursed win over the Raiders last Friday the 13th, and just like Jason, we’re all tired of seeing them, but they’re still gonna keep coming back.
New York Giants: Nightmare on Elm Street
Honestly, I think I’d rather be chased by Freddy Krueger than by the Giants’ Defensive Line. They are gonna be a nightmare (haha, get it?) for opposing QBs. This is genuinely one of the scariest units in the league and could easily carry this team in 2025. They might make certain O-Lineman and QB’s look like teenagers as they rip them apart. Even if they lose, they will hammer opposing offenses and be a ton of fun to watch if you’re a defense lover.
Colts: Scream
Plot twist! The Colts have two quarterbacks. Unfortunately, neither of them is quite the killers that the Scream villains were. Unlike some of the fearsome unkillable villains, the Colts have two halves of a whole. We’ll see if they can go on a killing spree or if their fans will be the ones screaming.
Texans: The Purge
The Texans have a great roster and a great young QB. They are a true-blue American team in blue and red. But they have one major hole, their substandard offensive line. When it comes to CJ Stroud, all crime will be legal because turnstiles will be blocking for him. Let’s hope his awesome D-Line will also commit crimes against opposing QBs and CJ can carry this team and escape the Purge coming at him every down.
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